A New Semester…A New Beginning

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The summer has come to an end, which marks the beginning of a new semester. And this time, I really want to make a fresh start. I want to forget my past, live my present and make my way to the future. I really don’t want to recall my past, cause its gone. There were good and bad moments but I really want to shape my future from now. Here’s some of the things I’ve promised to myself:

1. Academics: I would keep studies as my first priority than everything else. I’m aiming for an 8 CPI. This is the most important thing for my future building. 

2. Coding: Having my course as ICT (Information and Communication Technology), I need to start coding besides my academics. I need to master it.

3. Friends: I need to improve my social skills. I’ve spent most of my school life as a loner, but now I want to interact with people,

4. God: I need to reestablish my relationship with God. I feel like I have drifted away from God during the summer. I need to be regular to church, even if I have to get up early on Sundays.

Finally, I need to stop worrying about my gay life. Whatever will happen in the future, I will face it when it happens. I won’t let this thought destroy my present.

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Semester Ending…

My second semester has ended and It feels like it had started just yesterday. It seems to have passed very quickly. Maybe because nothing much had happened.

I got a new laptop…HP Envy 15-j110TX. I think I made a good decision to pick this one. I also started playing DOTA 2. Its actually a pretty cool game…similar to Legends of League.

I am very unhappy about my grades. They just came out yesterday…and I feel like crap. I couldn’t clear one of my course…I’ll have to repeat it next summer. My SPI is around 5 out of 10. I feel really bad right now. Where did I go wrong…I guess I spent too much time on my laptop. I need to create a plan B to push up my grades

About my gay life…I’m pretty much nowhere. In the beginning of the semester, I was all crazy about the guy I had a crush on, but now, I guess I’m over him. I guess I think falling for him was a waste of time. I don’t even know if I want to fall in love anymore.

 

I really need a break…looking ahead to my summer vacation.

Back to college

Back to college after holidays. First two days were quiet difficult, but soon I got used to it. This year I really want to get good grades, so I didn’t bring my laptop with me. The very first thing I did after reaching was look for my crush. He came two days after me…but looking at him got me enchanted. He got me smiling so hard that my friends freaked out looking at me.

I was curious to see how my best friend would act around me as I had come out to him during the holidays. But I’m glad to know out friendship is as strong as before. We rarely talked about the gay topic.

 

I hope this year goes well for me. “May the odds be in my favour” :p

Looking Back

On 19th December 1993 was born a boy, who turned out to be shy, confused and…well…me.

You need the bad days to define the good ones. So is my story.

My dad has a transferable job. In fourth standard, I was sent to a boarding school in the hills. Everything was new. But I guess I was slow in adapting things. So, I was left behind. Confession alert: I never learnt to play any sport in my life except swimming, which my dad taught me before sending me to the boarding school. I was made fun of this. If someone threw a ball towards me, instead of catching it I tried to cover my face and close my eyes so I didn’t get hurt because of it. Is it a girly characteristic? I don’t know…and never tried to figure out. There was this one incident where my coach humiliated me for not playing basketball properly. And from that day, I began to have a fear of sports. I also lost any amount of reputation I had. I became a looser and a loner. But simultaneously, I found a new friend, GOD. Being a catholic boarding school, I had an easy access to the school chapel. I was bullied…a lot, but life kept going with this new relationship I had developed with God. I began talking to GOD, almost every minute of my life. I didn’t care if he didn’t reply through words. But I enjoyed being his child for some reason. In fifth standard, I fell in love with the first guy in my life. And to add to my surprise, he was in ‘love’ with me too. His bed was next to mine. When the lights would go off, we would talk and kiss each other hands. I remember when he said he found me sexy. Despite of me being a looser and bullied, there was someone who ‘loved’ me. But we never did something crazy like have sex or even kiss on lips. We didn’t even know why people had sex. I just felt safe around him. But I never DTR’d (Defined the Relationship), I was young and still figuring out life. I had crushes too on other jocks. But I needed a change from hostel life. After a lot of pleading to my parents, they took me out of the boarding school before seventh grade, and we lost touch. I recently found him on Facebook, and he has a girlfriend.

My new school helped me change in a lot of ways. Again a Catholic Institute, so I was yet close to GOD. My first day was…well…good. A lot of people interacted with me. My first few days were good. But there was this one thing that brought a gap between me and others, Language. I had come a different state in India. Although tagged as an English Medium School, almost everyone, except the teachers, conversed in the local language. I didn’t have a clue about the language. And people were too lazy to put an ennie minnie pressure on their brain to converse in English. And I felt shy to ask them to talk to each other in English just so that I could get a clue what they are gossiping about. That’s when I lost a reason to interact and became a loner again. But not for long…
Within months, my mom joined my school as a teacher. She had good relations with the students, so people started interacting with me. I made some good friends. But again I had problem with sports, I was scared of it, but never skipped a class. Till that time, I had no idea if the word ‘gay’ even existed. I thought that my attraction to boys is just a phase that will go away soon. The same year, I received my First Holy Communion. I still had a good relationship with God.

But this relation was harmed in my eighth standard. I got my own pc and internet. We were given sex education. And I got myself into something I still regret today…PORN. I was curious about the sex thing, so a google search lead me to the world of porn. At first, I looked at straight porn…but I realized I was only looking at men. Then I came across gay porn. That’s when I realized I am not crazy and something called homosexuality actually existed. And I spent my high school discovering myself, which lead me to accepting that I am gay. But I also learnt that Christianity forbids homosexuality. A certain gap between me and God arose. My grades started falling down. I began to loose interest in the Church. I started going there only because my parents wanted me to. I had lost all hopes of going to heaven. I started getting suicidal tendencies and went into a depression.

In my senior year, there was a sudden spiritual awakening in me. And this came through one of the weiredest way one could imagine, Lady Gaga’s Born This Way song. The lyrics were inspiring.

I’m beautiful in my way,
‘Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don’t hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you’re set
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Could this be possible? Did God create me this way? I never remembered a day where I suddenly decided to be gay. I remembered that guy I fell in love with in boarding school. I just naturally fell in love with him. I started praying again. I said the rosary everyday. I then handed my life to God. I decided I’ll go where he takes me. Whatever comes in my path, I receive it as a gift from God, whether I like it or not. I gave him control for everything, my body and my feelings. I asked him to take me where he wants me to go. If fell in love, its because of him. If someone falls in love with me, its because of him. I surrendered my life in his hands, and found the most wonderful thing…PEACE.

But I was still scared, I didn’t want to take any step in my life that’d make Him upset. I had got ‘serious crush’ on two guys, one after the other. I questioned myself whether God wanted me to fall in love, because I had. I was scared to react to my feelings for two reasons, one: I didn’t want to upset God; two: I didn’t know if they were gay too.

This is where I got in a dilemma: between what I wanted and what my creator wanted. And I deal with this dilemma even today. A few months before joining college, I got this huge interest in THE BOOK OF REVELATION, the last book of the bible. This interest arose in me through the quote: “CHRIST WILL COME AGAIN”. I started getting new hopes. What if the Second Coming takes place in our lifetime? The situation of today’s world perfectly sets its stage. The first four seals almost seems like they have been broken. All that is needed is the one world government, the Antichrist, the False Prophet and then the Rapture (I believe in the pre-wrath mid tribulation rapture).

A sudden thought of Celibacy came in my mind. Should I vow it? I am still confused. Today, I have a crush on this guy in my college. He’s also a freshmen like me. But I am confused, whether to react to my feelings or not?

My 20th B’day/Coming out to best friend

I just completed 20 years of my living. And guess what? I Came out to my Best Friend.

At about 2 A.M., my best friend from my college wished me via whatsapp. The chat continued pretty decent, when I felt the urge to come out.

I had wondered before as to how people would react if I were openly gay in college. I especially feared if I would get weird looks from guys while showering. I admit I do check out guys in the bathroom…but doing that while they knew it would be AWKWARD. And I don’t want people running out of the bathroom when they see me enter, like I’m gonna eat them or something. But I was actually tired of ‘not being myself’. I remember how my best friend would talk about girls in our college and about their boobs and ass and I’d be like…’yeah, she’s hot’…but in reality I’d be looking at the guys behind them. And this has happened with many of my friends. I just want to be myself…at least around my best friend.

Back to the chatting part, our conversation went something like this; (with ‘Born to Die’ by Lana Del Rey song playing in my cell):

me: I need to tell you something

him: what is it?

me: please don’t freak out or get mad

him: don’t worry, is it about a girl?

me: no, its…

him: tell me whatever you want

me: forget it…I’ll tell u in college after the holidays

him: u’ll forget about it then

me: ok…umm….

me: I…

him: yes?

him: You’re not gay right?

me: …

me: yes

me: i am

him: that’s okay

Reading those words were the biggest relief to me I could get. I was like the happiest person. He said that he didn’t care what I was, he would always be my friend. He really made this birthday my best. We kept chatting for another hour until I drifted off to sleep, peacefully, after a long time in years.

My First Blog…

Hi. This is my first time blogging and I’m really excited to do so. A quick details about me: –

I’m a 20 year old guy from India. I was born and raised up in a catholic family and I strongly believe in God. I had known I was attracted to guys since I was 13. My religion teaches me that homosexuality in itself is not a sin, but homosexual acts are sinful. This has put me in a painful dilemma between what my Lord wants and what I want. I’ve never been involved in any sexual activity.

I’m currently in college, 1st year, doing engineering. And yeah I have a crush on this guy who is also in my college. And i’m not sure what I am suppose to do.

I guess I’ll keep writing about my journey through my complicated life and see where it takes me…