On 19th December 1993 was born a boy, who turned out to be shy, confused and…well…me.
You need the bad days to define the good ones. So is my story.
My dad has a transferable job. In fourth standard, I was sent to a boarding school in the hills. Everything was new. But I guess I was slow in adapting things. So, I was left behind. Confession alert: I never learnt to play any sport in my life except swimming, which my dad taught me before sending me to the boarding school. I was made fun of this. If someone threw a ball towards me, instead of catching it I tried to cover my face and close my eyes so I didn’t get hurt because of it. Is it a girly characteristic? I don’t know…and never tried to figure out. There was this one incident where my coach humiliated me for not playing basketball properly. And from that day, I began to have a fear of sports. I also lost any amount of reputation I had. I became a looser and a loner. But simultaneously, I found a new friend, GOD. Being a catholic boarding school, I had an easy access to the school chapel. I was bullied…a lot, but life kept going with this new relationship I had developed with God. I began talking to GOD, almost every minute of my life. I didn’t care if he didn’t reply through words. But I enjoyed being his child for some reason. In fifth standard, I fell in love with the first guy in my life. And to add to my surprise, he was in ‘love’ with me too. His bed was next to mine. When the lights would go off, we would talk and kiss each other hands. I remember when he said he found me sexy. Despite of me being a looser and bullied, there was someone who ‘loved’ me. But we never did something crazy like have sex or even kiss on lips. We didn’t even know why people had sex. I just felt safe around him. But I never DTR’d (Defined the Relationship), I was young and still figuring out life. I had crushes too on other jocks. But I needed a change from hostel life. After a lot of pleading to my parents, they took me out of the boarding school before seventh grade, and we lost touch. I recently found him on Facebook, and he has a girlfriend.
My new school helped me change in a lot of ways. Again a Catholic Institute, so I was yet close to GOD. My first day was…well…good. A lot of people interacted with me. My first few days were good. But there was this one thing that brought a gap between me and others, Language. I had come a different state in India. Although tagged as an English Medium School, almost everyone, except the teachers, conversed in the local language. I didn’t have a clue about the language. And people were too lazy to put an ennie minnie pressure on their brain to converse in English. And I felt shy to ask them to talk to each other in English just so that I could get a clue what they are gossiping about. That’s when I lost a reason to interact and became a loner again. But not for long…
Within months, my mom joined my school as a teacher. She had good relations with the students, so people started interacting with me. I made some good friends. But again I had problem with sports, I was scared of it, but never skipped a class. Till that time, I had no idea if the word ‘gay’ even existed. I thought that my attraction to boys is just a phase that will go away soon. The same year, I received my First Holy Communion. I still had a good relationship with God.
But this relation was harmed in my eighth standard. I got my own pc and internet. We were given sex education. And I got myself into something I still regret today…PORN. I was curious about the sex thing, so a google search lead me to the world of porn. At first, I looked at straight porn…but I realized I was only looking at men. Then I came across gay porn. That’s when I realized I am not crazy and something called homosexuality actually existed. And I spent my high school discovering myself, which lead me to accepting that I am gay. But I also learnt that Christianity forbids homosexuality. A certain gap between me and God arose. My grades started falling down. I began to loose interest in the Church. I started going there only because my parents wanted me to. I had lost all hopes of going to heaven. I started getting suicidal tendencies and went into a depression.
In my senior year, there was a sudden spiritual awakening in me. And this came through one of the weiredest way one could imagine, Lady Gaga’s Born This Way song. The lyrics were inspiring.
I’m beautiful in my way,
‘Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don’t hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you’re set
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Could this be possible? Did God create me this way? I never remembered a day where I suddenly decided to be gay. I remembered that guy I fell in love with in boarding school. I just naturally fell in love with him. I started praying again. I said the rosary everyday. I then handed my life to God. I decided I’ll go where he takes me. Whatever comes in my path, I receive it as a gift from God, whether I like it or not. I gave him control for everything, my body and my feelings. I asked him to take me where he wants me to go. If fell in love, its because of him. If someone falls in love with me, its because of him. I surrendered my life in his hands, and found the most wonderful thing…PEACE.
But I was still scared, I didn’t want to take any step in my life that’d make Him upset. I had got ‘serious crush’ on two guys, one after the other. I questioned myself whether God wanted me to fall in love, because I had. I was scared to react to my feelings for two reasons, one: I didn’t want to upset God; two: I didn’t know if they were gay too.
This is where I got in a dilemma: between what I wanted and what my creator wanted. And I deal with this dilemma even today. A few months before joining college, I got this huge interest in THE BOOK OF REVELATION, the last book of the bible. This interest arose in me through the quote: “CHRIST WILL COME AGAIN”. I started getting new hopes. What if the Second Coming takes place in our lifetime? The situation of today’s world perfectly sets its stage. The first four seals almost seems like they have been broken. All that is needed is the one world government, the Antichrist, the False Prophet and then the Rapture (I believe in the pre-wrath mid tribulation rapture).
A sudden thought of Celibacy came in my mind. Should I vow it? I am still confused. Today, I have a crush on this guy in my college. He’s also a freshmen like me. But I am confused, whether to react to my feelings or not?